-Fr. John Roche, SDB
Many times in my career as an educator I have been shocked by what a parent or teacher would permit for their children. Pushing young girls to be “sexy and attractive” long before they understand such things; openly providing condoms for their dating teens; allowing them to watch certain programs or films that are filled with harmful attitudes or amoral values—these are just the tip of the iceberg.
How shocking it is whenever a teacher, a priest, a parent or a caregiver violates the sacred trust of any young person! Sometimes, this violation is as simple and insipid as adults leading lifestyles that are anything but admirable. Yet, the headlines are still filled with such atrocities.
As a Salesian priest and educator, the banner of preventive education hangs over my mission as passed onto the Salesians by their founder, St. John Bosco. What seems like common sense turns out, quite often, not so common after all.
Most parents would want to protect their children from every kind of evil, from any sickness or injury, from undue distress and anxiety. To believe otherwise is to lose faith in the basic goodness of the family.
It is touching to watch a parent or a care-giver vigilant in their duty: holding hands to cross the street, giving a blessing to a teen going out the door for the evening (yes, I know families that still practice this!), pacing parents waiting for the return of a son or daughter, and we can call to mind many other examples of vigilant, preventive and loving care.
Unfortunately, prevention is only part of the equation for the safe formation in a young person’s life. Prevention needs to be understood beyond the obvious care taken to prevent bodily or emotional scarring. Prevention is also the formation of good judgment and skills for making sound decisions.
There is irony and tragedy when the preventive love of another seems incapable of shaping the choices of a vulnerable youth. How many times I have seen good and faithful parents shocked by the choices their own offspring make. How helpless many of these parents seem against the negative forces of a youth culture, a bad crop of “friends” or the inadequate quality of values offered in pop-culture icons. Sometimes, despite the best efforts, despite the most vigilant care, choices are made that put people in harm’s way.
More than once I have been asked to witness the revelation of past abuses or show moral support to a person finally finding his or her own legs to stand against oppressive relationships, addictions and cultural attacks. How courageous those naming their abuses, calling out the offenders in their past and in their present. And how hard it is for well-meaning parents to discover the failure of their own sincere efforts!
Yet something in all of this needs articulation. Not every mistake is intentional. Not every missed opportunity to prevent evil is on any one parent or person’s radar. There are some dangers in life, in the culture, and in the circumstances of growing and learning that cannot be avoided or prevented.
I recently witnessed the pain of a good and holy man upon the discovery of his own child’s past abuse. He cried and told me he had been a poor parent, but that was not the case at all. He was the best father a child could want. The stuff of life, the chaos in other lives and from families of friends, sometimes pours over even into the most guarded and protected child.
It is too easy to blame the parent for every mistake.
Fortunately, in this case, the wounded child made it clear that the father made no mistake and had always been the safest harbor for the child.
Let all of this heartache then, serve to re-awaken our own vigilance. Let us be soberly aware that there are many forces and influences set upon the destruction of children and innocence. Let us be aware that sometimes what seems harmless can actually cause great damage in a young soul. How good it is that families investigate the friends and choices of their own children.
How good it is that child-safety policies are in place to widen the protective circle around the vulnerable. Bishops and dioceses are more vigilant than ever that no child should ever again know the betrayal and violence of any form of abuse from their own ministers.
Let us all work together for the safety of all the young without compromise. But let all of this vigilance and all of this effort to be preventive always find its source and its strength in the love that God has for every young person and every parent or caregiver.
Only in God can every honest mistake and every missed opportunity find resolution. Only in the amazing parental love of God can we discover the strength to forgive ourselves and renew our vigilance.